


Suffocating

by stray_space



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Implied one-sided attraction, M/M, REALLY BAD ENDING, and worse, breaking up, half angst, half fluff, implied major character death, self-doubting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 09:19:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3523973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stray_space/pseuds/stray_space
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kozume Kenma felt a certain kind of attraction towards Hinata Shouyou, and he was okay with that.<br/>( Or in which Kozume Kenma and Hinata Shouyou are two constants in the world and have doubts and fears and issues )</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffocating

**Author's Note:**

> do you ever feel like you need to get something out of your system so you ended up writing ?  
> I do, so here is roughly about 2700 words about Kenma and love-related stuffs.

Because Kozume Kenma was anything but unobservant, he was aware of causes and effects.

 

And so he was aware that there are reasons his heart is breaking yet fluttering at the same time. There are reasons that he is happy but sad, is in joy yet in pain. And all of those reasons come from a single constant in his life, known as Hinata Shouyou, who he loved, loving and will never cease to love.

 

They met on a sunny day in a tranquil neighborhood, saved for sounds of his button pressing and soon enough the other’s excited shout. He remembers how the other noticed, how the other’s eyes glinted at the mere sight of his volleyball shoes. He remembers how the other gasped for breath, how his head tilted in wonder and how he himself opened up a bit and offering a small smile in return. And he remembers how he was maybe a little bit excited at the prospect of seeing that small form again, and the small form never did disappoint him as it leapt into the air as if wings were sprouted from that tiny back.

 

( Hinata Shouyou never disappoints in terms of being the source of his meek yet apparent fascination )

 

Hinata Shouyou was so alive.

 

And so he remembers how he fell in love and how he immediately put that feeling away. ( because he will burn like Icarus under the glazing heat of the sun )

( but maybe he don’t mind falling that much )

 

( After all, the sea is calm.

 _Calmer._ He corrected himself )

 

Walks as the sun, the actual sun this time has retreated, they shared small chats and light teases and possible smiles and Shouyou’s excited jump with Inouka following. And then after hours that seem like fragments of seconds later, they pulled apart, because good time must end.

 

They resorted to texting.

 

From Miyagi to Tokyo is two hundred and six miles.

From Kenma Kozume to Hinata Shouyou is that exact same two hundred and six miles.

 

But texting reduced the distance somehow, and while he did not see Hinata Shouyou’s excited face or gleaming eyes or wide, wide smile that shone so great it resembled the sun, he was contented with the image of Hinata Shouyou flashing a grin at his message, of Hinata Shouyou’s loud and cheery voice and of Hinata Shouyou somehow permanent amazement about the world, and he was fine. He was happy. ( For being a part of this world )

 

And he noticed. And he loved. How Hinata Shouyou abbreviated several words at once. How Hinata Shouyou used images and sounds instead of words. How Hinata Shouyou included exclaimation marks as if his excitement wasn’t already plain as day in his texting. How he could hear Hinata Shouyou in his head, how he could picture him and how he couldn’t stop hearing and picturing him.

 

But the sun is not reserved for him and him only.

 

And so he was okay with watching from afar.

( Stay in the tower. Don’t make the wings. Don’t fall like Icarus did as he admired the sun. Be a side character )

 

And so when Kuroo called him out on his obvious fascination with the said constant named Hinata Shouyou, he denied it, brushed it off, and continued on his quest of defeating the demon king with his RPG warrior.

 

( May be if he suppressed it long enough, it would go away.) 

* * *

 

(It didn’t.)

 

It was like he was suffocated underwater.

Bubbles was formed like what remained of  unsaid words of a dead mermaid. Words are better left unsaid, and so he wished upon a shooting stars that he may stay mute like mermaids do. Underwater. Breathless. Speechless. _But void of a sun._

It was not like the world changed. It was not like his heartbeat goes tenfold at the mere sight of Hinata Shouyou. It was not like he was rendered  breathless and speechless like mermaids do as Hinata Shouyou flashed a smile of a thousand walts or as Hinata Shouyou jumped ( no, flew. Not jumped, flew. ) into the air and there were tears and pride and glow in his eyes.

 

Things did not change. They texted when the distance is two hundred and six miles. And they talked when two hundred and six turned into less than one. Or maybe they teased. Or maybe they played video games ( during which course he kind of beat the other to scraps because screw emotions, video games are not time to be merciful ). Or maybe they took walks as the last rays of the sun died away and leaving the sky void of light. Hinata Shouyou again dragged Kenma Kozume to private practices. Hinata Shouyou again declared his undying determination to make Kozume Kenma get fascinated without knowing that he already did just that.

 

He tried to make the best out of his share of the undying flame of the sun.

 

His stomach squirmed when Hinata Shouyou walked to a certain Kageyama Tobio and argued with said Kageyama Tobio. His stomach also squirmed when said Hinata Shouyou smiled a Kageyama Tobio and when they shared their short moment of pride and he knew why for Kozume Kenma, unlike the heroines in the ever cliché scenerios like that of shojo manga, was actually aware of his own emotions.

And he hated that why.

 

The sun is still everyone’s.

 

So, at the mere age of seventeen and a half, the living being by the name of Kozume Kenma learned that he was in love with the sun and chose to do nothing but to embrace that fact.

 

( It is still nice enough watching )

* * *

 

( Key word is still. )

 

( Because the world hardly ever stops moving.)

 

At 17 years, 7 months and 29 days Kozume Kenma realized that just being whoever he was with Hinata Shouyou then might not be enough.

At 17 years, 7 months and 30 days Kozume Kenma realized that just admiring the beauty and warmth and hope and maybe the mere being of Hinata Shouyou might not be enough.

And of course, at 17 years and 8 months Kozume Kenma had arrived at the decision that _no, it was not nice enough just watching._

 

And so at the age of 17 years, 10 months and 14 days, he gathered up whatever courage he had, asked Hinata Shouyou out alone and confessed his undying love to said Hinata Shouyou after appromixately 2 months and 14 days of thinking over and over this decision.

 

And so as Hinata Shouyou dropped his cheerful glint in half of a second, Kozume Kenma did not stop breathing or feel depressed or disappointed – really, what he was feeling at the time was more like that of acceptance, and he constantly told himself that it was okay, and that he had already accepted that Hinata Shouyou didn’t and wouldn’t love him back, and again, that was okay.

 

And so as Hinata Shouyou picked up his smile, and his eyebrows ceased knitting in confusion and as Hinata Shouyou answered him with “Maybe we should go out”, to say he was surprised was completely downplaying his emotions.

 

Because it was shocking and confusing and _did Hinata Shouyou just said he liked him back_.

 

And so he let his emotions took over and may or may not have grabbed Hinata Shouyou in a intimate hug because damnit he need to feel the other’s warmth and heart beat and scent and whatever of Hinata Shouyou.

 

( What he ignored was that the other’s heart might not be fluttering like his was )

 

( Because now that he thought about it and he must have already known it even then but chose to ignore for the sake of his own selfish self was the fact that _no, Hinata Shouyou never did said he liked him back_. )

 

And it was again, okay.

* * *

 

The mere thought of dating Hinata Shouyou gave him goosebumps.

 

It took 2 weeks and 4 days for friendly texting and light teases to become heart icons, sweet texting and embarrasing one liners. It took a month and 10 days for Nekoma’s boy volleyball team to start mocking him about “sexting his boyfriend” during practice. It took a month,10 days and 2 hours for Kenma to hear from Hinata that Karasuno’s did just the same.

 

It took 2 months and 12 days until they finally met again.

 

( It didn’t even take time for Kozume Kenma to find comfort in Hinata Shouyou’s presence )

 

Occasion staring turned into downright eyelocking. Hand grazing turned into hand-holding and finger-knitting. Cheek-pinching turned into pecks on cheeks, kisses on foreheads and bumps on noses. Texting got more passionate, and Kenma lied, wondering if Hinata Shouyou was as in love as he was. If Hinata Shouyou felt as nice. If Hinata Shouyou found solace and joy in those rare but beautiful occasions.

 

( Yet he always knew that Hinata Shouyou did. Just not in the same way as he did. )

( Or so he believed and chose to ignored what he believed )

 

Hinata Shouyou and Kozume Kenma were happy in a lot of ways.

 

Happy playing volleyball against each other. Happy playing ( and sucking, in Hinata’s case ) at video games. Happy texting each other and happy being with each other despite being two hundred and six miles apart.

 

Hinata Shouyou and Kozume Kenma were also embarrasing in a lot of ways.

Embarrasing in how Hinata Shouyou grabbed Kozume Kenma’s hand and dragged him off  as if Hinata Shouyou actually read shojo manga for reference. Embarrasing as in how Kozume Kenma actually seek advice from the shojo manga Hinata Shouyou unwillingly admitted he read ( but dumbass Kageyama and jerk Tsukishima read them too so it is not embarrasing at all, Kenmaaaa ! ). Embarrasing as in how Hinata Shouyou tucked a stray hair of Kozume Kenma behind said person’s ears only to get a clear view of the cat-like eyes and commented on how nice said eyes looked. Embarrasing as in how Kozume Kenma stared right back at Hinata Shouyou and get lost in the facing bright, stunning amber eyes.

 

But as happy and embarrasing as they were, there were ups, and so there must be downs.

 

( But as much as he hated those downs, they were there, and so he had learned to accept )

* * *

 

Contrary to popular belief, Hinata Shouyou is more than just a simple ray of sunshine with nothing on his mind but volleyball and meatbun and rice with raw egg and volleyball again.

 

Not contrary to popular belief, however , Kozume Kenma has his insecurities and anxieties and is not interested in quite a number of things.

 

So Kozume Kenma learned to accept that the sun sometimes goes to rest and shadow looms in place of the ever burning sun. So Kozume Kenma listened to the sun’s doubts and values and fears and what ifs and what-if-nots and can and cannots. So Kozume Kenma and Hinata Shouyou were more than the brain of a volley team and the embodiment of sunshine in a small islabd country in the East, but instead two existance of doubts and of beliefs and of possibilities and of impossibilities.

 

So Kozume Kenma was there wiping away Hinata Shouyou’s invisible fears and Hinata Shouyou was there pulling Kozume Kenma up and they were there reminding each other of the good and the good maybes, even if they were still two hundred and six miles apart.

 

There were times when they met and Hinata Shouyou cupped Kozume Kenma’s cheeks and there was this look in his eyes that were like burning flames as Kozume Kenma stated how pathetic he thought himself was. There were times when they met and Hinata Shouyou hold onto him like he was holding onto dear life and there was this determination to pass off whatever will, whatever energy, whatever heart-warming part Hinata Shouyou had when the shadows arrived in Kozume Kenma’s mind and he thought he was ugly and terrible and worth dying.

 

( But he wondered if he opened up too much of himself to Hinata Shouyou and if that frightened the other )

(What if he was an annoyance and Hinata Shouyou was fed up of him what if )

 

There were times when they met, and Kozume Kenma held Hinata Shouyou’ hands and whispered good things, soon-to-be good things, and things-that-could-have-gone-worse. There were times when Hinata Shouyou’s practices and tests and life in general were  a complete mess and there was Kozume Kenma awkwardly trying to soothen the other and giving invisible kisses all over Hinata Shouyou’s cheeks and nose and forehead and anything that was Hinata Shouyou. There were times when Hinata Shouyou broke and Kozume Kenma was picking up the pieces.

 

( Not the other way around, never the other way around, because Kozume Kenma love every Hinata Shouyou was and could be and could not be but was anyways )

( Kozume Kenma never get fed up of Hinata Shouyou )

 

But there were times when everything was good and Hinata Shouyou and Kozume Kenma were just holding hands or dating or walking or talking or admiring.

Hinata sometimes dragged Kageyama Tobio or Yachi Hitoka along while Kenma threw a PSP in Kuroo Tetsurou face for trying to tag along.

 

It was nice.

( He wondered if it would continue to be nice )

* * *

 

( It didn’t. )

 

The peace of their world was disturbed by a stormy, impeding weather.

 

He remembered a day when it was not so bad and Hinata Shouyou was half sucking on his soda popsicle and half talking.

 

“ Say, Kenma, don’t you think death is scary ? “

“ Like you were there but then you weren’t there anymore and there would no longer be volleyball and meatbuns and rice with raw eggs.”

“ Don’t die on me, Kenma. I don’t think i can handle it. Hell, i don’t think i can handle it even if was that jerk Kageyama.”

 

( He regretted what he had not done that particular moment. )

 

It started with an ignored message and ended with an “I’m sorry.”

 

Texts was left hanging in drowsiness although they never were before. Words of encouragement and acts of affections were not enough, never enough. Dates were left forgotten and cancel and the sun got dimmer and dimmer.

 

( And he noticed but unwilling to admit because the sun will shine brightly again for sure )

 

So as there were this hollow look in Hinata Shouyou’s eyes, and as the angelic smiles morphed into forced ones and fake ones and empty ones Kozume Kenma’s stomach squirmed for an entirely different reason from before and he was worried and empty and worried.

( Because he loved, was loving and would love Hinata as long as he were breathing.)

 

“ I don’t think i can keep on going” – said Hinata Shouyou on yet another sunny day in yet another tranquil neighborhood.

 

Kozume Kenma started to expect the inevitable end.

 

“ Maybe we should stop dating ” was sent through text one of the other day.

 

And he knew then that Hinata didn’t love him back. But he chose to believe otherwise.

Because it was okay, so long as he could still see the sun smiles, so long as he could still be with Hinata.

 

“ I’m sorry.”

 

But he couldn’t. Not anymore. Not then and certainly not now.

 

And he knew then that Hinata didn’t want to continue be his sun and be by his side and text him and tuck his hair behind his ears and exchange kisses.

 

 

* * *

 

There was the squeaking noise of volleyball shoes rubbing against hard, wooden floor. There was the thudding noise of volleyball being tossed, being spiked, being received. There was chantering of “Ossu” and “Nice” and there was the smell of sweat and of fire.

 

All of those things Hinata Shouyou loved.

 

There was Kageyama Tobio staring at him, dead in the eyes. There was Kuroo Tetsurou looking at him as though  the world is crumbling to pieces.

 

( Maybe it was. And even if it was, he was not sure if he even minded )

 

All of those things Kozume Kenma did not love.

 

He wondered if he could continue to love anything, anything then.

 

Because he knew then, that Hinata Shouyou did not want to be the sun, not only to him, but also to the world.

 

* * *

 

 

“Please don’t die on me either, Shouyou, I don’t think i can handle that”

_Message cannot be delivered._

 

* * *

 

The sun set ablazed and died in its own flames.

**Author's Note:**

> interpret this however you want to


End file.
